Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends, Dale Carnegie (2010). Documentary, Comedy, 1984. Funny Quotes. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. 1. I am not a member of … Enjoy these funny quotes, a laugh and share with a friend. 2. I am a Democrat. Part 4. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever Bill Murray. I am not a member of any organized political party. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. “I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.”, 33. Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures. The road to success is always under construction. I’m always ready for bed.”, 35. “Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”. Groucho Marx. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors. Welcome back. Bill Murray. “Sometimes we have to remove people without warning we’re getting too old to be explaining what they already know they’re doing wrong.”, 39 Top Quotes About Life That Will Inspire You Extremely, 45 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Minions, 112 Broken Heart Quotes And Heartbroken Sayings, 52 Crazy Funny Friendship Quotes for Best Friends, 135 Inspirational Quotes on Relationship Love, Life & Happiness, 59 Relationship Quotes to Reignite Your Love, Your email address will not be published. Casey Stengel. Hottest funny quotes collection of all time. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”, “Damn, Claire. www.imdb.com. Sometimes we have to see the funny side of life in order to keep going. Need I say more?”, “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. “My parents spanked me as a child as a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect for others”, 14. Light travels faster than sound. It is already tomorrow in Australia. People are like music. grizzly bear with a sore tooth. “Why be moody when you can shake yo booty”, 6. – Abraham Lincoln. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Unless you're a serial killer.”, “It's not true that I had nothing on. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. Other days I look for my phone while I’m talking on it.”, 28. “I’m not rude I just have the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.”. I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. That’s how they work.”, 15. I want to snap them and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on.”, 20. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ", “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”, “I came from a real tough neighborhood. 56 Short Inspirational Quotes And Short Inspirational Sayings, 144 Happy Birthday Wishes And Happy Birthday Funny Sayings, 38 Cute Life Quotes That Will Instantly Make You Smile, 38 Short Positive Quotes – Motivational Quotes of the Day, 56 Good Morning Inspirational Quotes With Beautiful Images, 44 Motivational Inspirational Quotes About Life & Success, 35 Good Morning Quotes with Beautiful Images, Copyright © 2018 Image May Be Subject to Copyright to Respectful Owners. With so much humor in the world, we’ve collected some hilarious life quotes from a wide range of funny quotes. : Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball's Greatest Heroes. “I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning” because if it were a good morning I’d still be in bed asleep”, 31. www.imdb.com. Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Funny Quotes Our collection of hilarious quotes will have everyone laughing. Me Club Join Would Refuse. Top 10 Funny Quotes - with quotes by Will Rogers, Steven Wright, Groucho Marx, Elbert Hubbard and more When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and … “Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins”, 25. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. "Personal Quotes/ Biography". When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Anonymous. Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. “Three doors in hell a guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. I had the radio on.”, “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”, “They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”, “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”, “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”, “It's not because I want to make out with her. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. I love being married. I’m not trying to convince the world I have a life.”, Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious “All my life I tho air was free until I bough bag of chips.”, 1. “The most dangerous phrase in any language is “We’ve always done it this way.”, 4. “My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.”, 30. ", “Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”, “A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”, “Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”, “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”, “The planet is fine. “Stupid people are like glow sticks. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”, “If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”, “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, p.372, Simon and Schuster. You will never get out of it alive. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. It’s a door. “If you’re absent during my struggle, don’t expect to be present during my success.”, 29. You have to drain it in one drink. Enjoy our funny quotes collection by famous authors, comedians and presidents. Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. “Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack Daniel’s. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Explore 1000 Funny Quotes by authors including Will Rogers, Groucho Marx, and Steven Wright at BrainyQuote. Go to table of contents. “When you feel like stopping think about why you started”, 24. Stay up and fight.”, “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”, “Accept who you are. “You know you’re an adult when you get excited to just go home.”, 9. He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”, “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”, “Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”, “I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me. Every day we present the best quotes! “Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Required fields are marked *. “The distance between your dreams and reality is discipline.”, 17. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”, 12. Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either. Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. 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